


The Hobbit - Nwalin Gang Edition

by Weirddemiwood



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Bilbo is So Done, No Beta, bagginshield, gandalf the gay, i think i am so funny, nwalin - Freeform, nwalin gang, radagast the faun, saruman the shite, scottish dwarves, the dwarves have really heavy scottish accents and bilbo can't understand them, we die like bisexuals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 14:24:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23979448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weirddemiwood/pseuds/Weirddemiwood
Summary: The Hobbit but it's Nwalin Gang's Edition.You can still read this if you're not part of Nwalin Gang but will you like it? Who knows.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin/Nori (Tolkien)
Kudos: 4
Collections: Nwalin Gang





	1. Uninvited Dwarves

**Author's Note:**

> okay first chapter. dwarf rave.

Hobbiton. A peaceful place in Middle Earth in which one Bilbo Baggins was about to tuck into his dinner after avoiding pesky relatives all day and explicitly denying an invitation to an adventure.

Bilbo looked up as he heard the doorbell ring, he was not expecting visitors.

The Hobbit made his way to open the door and found a bald, muscular stranger on his welcome mat.

"Dwalin, at yer service," the stranger, Dwalin, introduced himself with a slight bow.

Bilbo let out a confused whimper before remembering his means and quickly tying his robe together, "Bilbo Baggins, at yours."

Dwalin stepped inside without invitation.

"Sorry, do we know each other?" The hobbit questioned.

Dwalin, who stood a good foot taller than him, assessed him for a moment. "No," he looked around, "Whilk wey, laddie? Is it soon 'ere?"

"Is it soon-er?" Bilbo asked.

"Supper? Whaur is it?. He said there'd be fairn 'n' loads o' it."

Dwalin, who was clearly a dwarf, took off his coat and threw it at the hobbit who barely managed to catch it.

"He said what? Who said?" Bilbo asked the retreating back of Dwalin who was now walking down the hallway of Bilbo's hobbit hole.

\---

Dwalin was sitting comfortably at Bilbo's spot on the table, scarfing down the poor hobbit's meal while said hobbit watched in disgust.

"Braw, this. Ony mair?"

"Pardon me?"

"Mair tae sloch?"

Bilbo stared at the man for a while who then motioned to the bones on his plate. "Oh," the hobbit realized his uninvited guest was asking for more food, "Yes," he stood up to get a plate of biscuits, grabbing one for himself, before placing the dish on the table.

Once again watching the dwarf scarf down food like he hadn't eaten a proper meal in ages, the hobbit went to timidly explain the unusualness of the situation, "It's just that I wasn't expecting company," he started before getting interrupted by the doorbell.

"That'll be th' door." 

Bilbo nodded, standing up to answer the door. 

He opened the door to be faced with another stranger. This one was far less muscular with grey hair and a split beard. This stranger too was a dwarf.

"Balin, at yer service," he introduces himself with a ginger bow.

"Good evening."

The dwarf looked around, "Aye, aye, it's. Though, ah think it micht smirr efter. Am ah late?"

The Hobbit, having only understood parts of what Balin had said, asked, "Late for what?"

Balin spotted Dwalin through the entryway. The muscular dwarf had his hand stuck in a cookie jar.

"Och! forenicht brother!" the old dwarf said.

Dwalin managed to pull his hand out of the jar and approached his brother, "By mah fluff, yer shorter 'n' wider than lest we met."

"Wider, nae shorter. Bit sharp enough fur th' baith o' us."

They both shared a chuckle as the hobbit stared at them in confusion. They headbutted each other before moving on to find the pantry.

\---

Having found the pantry, the two dwarven brothers were helping themselves to ale and examining the vast amount of food that the hobbit that stored.

bilbo stepped into the room, "It's not that I don't like visitors, I like visitors as much as the next hobbit. But I do prefer to know them before they come visiting. The thing is, I don't know any of you. Not in the slightest, I don't mean to be blunt, but I had to speak my mind. I'm sorry.

The dwarves stopped to look at their unwilling host, "Sawry accepted," Balin said.

The hobbit nodded and watched as the older dwarf handed a tankyard to his brother, "Noo, fill it up, brother, dinnae stint!"

The doorbell rang again, making the hobbit turn with a mix of awe and shock on his face. He opened the door and groaned as he saw another set of dwarves.

"Fili," the blond one, sporting many braids in his hair, stated.

"Kili," supplied the beardless one with the brown hair and a bow slung across his back.

"At yer service," they said in unison while bowing.

"Ye mist be mister Boggins!" the brunette, Kili, smiled at the hobbit cheerfully.

"Nope, you can't come in, you've come to the wrong house," Bilbo tried to close the door but it was stopped by Kili's foot.

"Haes it bin cancelled?" Kili asked, outraged.

"Na yin tellt us!" Fili's emotion matched that of his companion.

"Cancelled? No, nothing's been cancelled!"

"That's a relief!" the dwarves pushed themselves past the hobbit to enter his home and then unloaded their weapons on him.

"Canny wi' thae. We juist hud thaim sharpened." Fili remarked while Kili admired the architecture of the hallway.

"Tis crakin', this steid. Did ye dae it yersel'?"

Bilbo stared at the man, not completely understanding his words, "My home has been in the family for years."

The beardless dwarf then began to scrape the mud off his boots on a nearby chest.

"That's my mother's glory box, could you please not do that!" 

Just then, Dwalin entered the hallway and beckoned the young dwarves forward. "Fili, Kili, come gies a haun!"

"Mister Dwalin!" Kili greeted cheerfully and followed Dwalin into the dining room. 

Balin was motioning at a long table, "Let's shove this in th' loaby, otherwise we'll ne'er git a' body in."

Bilbo narrowed his eyes, trying to understand what the dwarf had said as his group of guest started to move around his furniture. He went to protest but was cut off by his doorbell ringing again.

Angered, the hobbit marched forward, yeeting the weapons he was still holding to the ground, "No! There's nobody home! Go away and bother somebody else! There's far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If this is some clotterd's idea of a joke, I can only say that it is in very poor taste!"

The hobbit opened the door to see two more dwarves in front of him. One of them had greying hair and holding an ear trumpet, this was Oin. The other dwarf was his brother Gloin, a redhead with a very full beard and just as full hair.

Behind them, stood Gandalf the Gay, the very same wizard who's adventure invitation Bilbo had declined earlier that day.

"Gandalf?" 

Gandalf gave Bilbo a faint smile.

\---

The dwarves were now plundering the pantry to set the table, after meeting Oin and Gloin, another group of dwarves had arrived.

Bilbo was watching them in horror, "Excuse me, that's my chicken! Oh, not my wine! Put that back! Put that back!"

Bombur, a big, redheaded dwarf who wore his beard in a long braid around his neck, was carrying three weels of cheese.

"That's a tad excessive, don't you think?" Bilbo asked, "Do you have a cheese knife?"

"Cheese knife?" a dwarf in a hat asked, "He eats it by th' cheeseknife!"

The hobbit then turned his attention to Oin,who was carrying a wooden chair by his side, "No, that's Grandpa Mungo's chair!"

Oin held up his metal trumpet, "Ah cannae hear whit ye'r saying, laddie."

Bilbo tried to take the chair off of the old dwarf but he managed to wrangle himself free and escape towards his brethren.

\---

"Excuse me, Gandalf?" another grey-haired dwarf with his hair braided all around his head and a short braid under his chin asked, "Kin ah tempt ye wi' a cup o' chamomile cuppa?"

"Oh, no thank you, Dori. A little red wine for me, I think."

With a nod, Dor walked off. Gandalf exited the dining room, ducking so as to not hit the low doorway. He was counting the dwarves on his fingers, "Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Balin, Dwalin, Ori, Nori, Dori, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur. We appear to be one dwarf short."

Dwalin, who was lounging in a near corner remarked, "He is late, is a'. He travelled north tae a meetin o' oor kin. He wull come if he doesn't sling his hook."

Dori now approached the wizard with a glass of wine in his hand, "As ye requested, a tumbler o' rid vino collapso. Tis git a fruity bouquet."

"Cheers!" Gandalf drowned it in one go.

\---

"Bombur! Catch!" the dwarf in the hat, Bofur, shouted as he threw a peeled egg at the redhead.

Bombur caught the egg with his mouth, causing the dwarves to applaud uproariously.

\---

After finishing their food, a young dwarf with fair hair, Ori, asked about what he should do with his plate. 

Before Bilbo could stop anything, the dwarves were throwing cutlery throughout the air and singing vivaciously. That evening, Bilbo did't understand their song but he would later understand that these had been their words: 

_"Blunt the knives, bend the forks. Smash the bottles and burn the corks. Chip the glasses and crack the plates. That's what Bilbo Baggins hates! Cut the cloth, tread on the fat; Leave the bones on the bedroom mat. Pour the milk on the pantry floor. Splash the wine on every door. Dump the corks in a boiling bowl, pound them up with a thumping pole. When you are finished, if they are whole, send them down the hall to roll! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!"_

To the hobbit's surprise, they had cleaned and neatly stacked all that they had used and were laughing proudly.

However, the laughing died down as they heard another knock on the door.

"He is here."


	2. Enter Thorin

Bilbo opened the door to find another dwarf posing on his doorstep. This one had a beard that was a lot shorter and fashionable compared to the unruly ones of his kin. Most of his dark locks were swept back with only two braids hanging over his broad shoulders. Yes, Bilbo thought, this was most definitely the most attractive dwarf he had met that night, not that he was attracted to dwarves, of course.

"Gandalf," the dwarf nodded as the door opened for him, "I thought ye said this steid wid be easy tae fin'. Ah lost mah wey, twa times. Ah wouldn't hae fun it at a' hud it nae bin fur that marc oan th' door."

Bilbo, who had barely understood a word, said nothing so Gandalf stepped forth to introduce the newcomer, "Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our company: Thorin Oakenshield."

Thorin stepped towards the Hobbit, "So...this is th' hobbit. Tell me, mr. Baggins, hae ye dane muckle fighting?"

"Pardon me?"

"Ax or sword?" the Dwarf asked. "What's yer weapon o' choice?"

"Well, I do have some skill at conkers if you must know. But I fail to see why that's relevant."

"Thought as muckle. He looks mair lik' a grocer than a burglar." 

The dwarves chuckled and then went back into the hallway to sit at the table. When they were all sitting at the table again, Balin asked, "What speirins fae th' meetin o' ered luin? did thay a' come?"

"Aye," Thorin replied, eating some stew, "Envoys fae a' seven kingdoms."

"All o’ them!" Balin exclaimed and the dwarves quickly started to chatter amongst each other.

"And whit did th' dwarves o' th' iron hills say?" Dwalin, who was sitting next to a dwarf with huge, star formed, hair, asked. "Is Dain wi’ us?"

Thorin sighed, "They wull nae come."

The dwarves murmured again but this time in disappointment.

"They say this quest is ours 'n' ours alone."

"You're going on a quest?" Bilbo asked.

Gandalf turned to the Hobbit, "Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light." he then got a map out of his robe and unfolded it, laying it out on the table, "Far to the east...over ranges and rivers...beyond woodlands and wastelands...lies a single solitary peak."

"The Lonely Mountain" Bilbo read.

"Aye," Gloin nodded, "Oin haes read th' potents 'n' th' potents say it's time."

Said dwarf explained, "Ravens hae bin seen flying back tae th' bens, as 'twas foretold. 'when th' birds o' yore return tae erebor th' reign o' th' beast wull end'"

"Beast?" Bilbo repeated one of the only words he understood.

"That's likelie Smaug. Smaug th' tairible," Bofur supplied, "Chiefest 'n' greatest calamity o' oor age. Airborne fire-breather. Wallies lik' razors, claws lik' bridie hooks. Extremely fond o' precious metals."

Bilbo narrowed his eyes in concentration so the wizard translated, “A dragon.”

Ori stood up, "I'm nae feart. A'm game. Ah will gie him a taste o' dwarfish iron richt up his jacksie!"

Some of the dwarves cheered but Dori pulled his younger brother down again, "Sit doon."

"The hing wid be pernicketie enough wi' an airmie behind us," Balin told him, “Bit we batch juist 13. 'n' nae 13 o' th' best nor brightest."

"Here, wha urr ye cawin dim?" Nori, the dwarf with the huge hair, complained.

"Sorry, whit did he say?" Oin asked, holding his ear trumpet up.

Fili spoke up, "We kin be few in number...but we're fighters, a' o' us, tae th' lest dwarf."

Kili agreed with his brother, "And ye forgoat, we hae a wizard in oor company. Gandalf wull hae murdurred hundreds o' dragons in his time." 

Gandalf lifted a hand, obviously uncomfortable, "Oh, well, no. I wouldn't say-"

"Howfur mony then?" Dori asked.

"What?"

"Well, howfur mony dragons hae ye killed?" As Gandalf didn't answer but instead started coughing, Dori insisted, "Go oan. Gies a number."

Promptly all dwarves, except for Thorin, stood up and started loudly arguing about how many dragons Gandalf had killed.

Fed up with his comrades’ loud arguing, Thorin stood up and bellowed, “ Shazara!” as everyone calmed down again, he continued, somewhat quieter,  "If we hae read thae signs...do ye nae think ithers wull hae read thaim tae? Rumours hae begun tae spread. Th' dragon, smaug haes nae bin seen in 60 years. Een keek east tae th' ben, assessing...wondering, weighing th' risk. Mibbie th' vast gear o' oor fowk noo lies unprotected. Dae we sit back while ithers claim whit's rightfully ours? or dae we seize this chance tae tak' back erebor?" 

Inspired by his speech, the dwarves jumped and cheered until Balin spoke up, “You forget the front gate is sealed. Thare is na wey intae th' mountain." 

"That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true," Gandalf said and suddenly twirled a key in his hand. 

Thorin looked at it in wonder. "How cam ye by this?" 

"It was given to me by your father. By Thrain. For safekeeping. It is yours now." he handed it over to the dwarf.

"If thir's a key...there mist be a door," Fili concluded, making Kili nod at his brother’s wisdom.

Gandalf gave them a quick nod and then used his pipe to point at something on the map. "These runes speak of a hidden passage in the Lower Halls."

Kili grinned, "There's anither wey in." 

"Well, if we can find it, but Dwarf doors are invisible when closed," Gandalf sighed, "The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map and I do not have the skill to find it. But there are others in Middle Earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of strength and no small amount of courage. But if we are careful and clever, I believe that it can be done."

"That's fur we need a burglar," Ori concluded.

"Hmm," Bilbo agreed, "And a good one too. An expert, I'd imagine."

"Are ye?" Bofur asked.

They all looked at the hobbit who then turned around to see where they were looking before he realized they were looking at him, "Am I what?"

Oin looked to the others, "He said he's an expert." he cheered.

"Me?" Bilbo asked, "No. No, no, no. I'm not a burglar. I've never stolen a thing in my life."

"Well, a’m feart ah hae tae gree wi'," Balin said. "He's hardly burglar material."

Bilbo, who made out that the old man was agreeing with him, nodded.

Dwalin then agreed with his brother, "Aye, th' wild is na steid fur gentlefolk wha kin neither rammy nor fend fur themselves." 

The dwarves once again started to chatter amongst each other while Bilbo made agreeing gestures. Eirene rolled her eyes, this was worse than the kids she thought at Middle School.

"Enough!" Gandalf yelled, standing up, "If I say that Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is. Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most, if they please. And, while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of Dwarf the scent of a Hobbit is all but unknown to him which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the 15th member of this company and I have chosen Mr Baggins. There's a lot more to him than appearances suggest. And he's got a great deal more to offer than any of you know. Including himself. You must trust me on this."

"Gey weel," Thorin agreed. "We wull dae it yer way." Ignoring Bilbo's protests, he turned to Balin, "Give him th’ contract." he told the old dwarf.

Balin handed a scrolled contract to the little hobbit, “Tis juist th' usual summary o' oot o' pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements 'n' sae forth.”

“Funeral arrangements?” Bilbo took the contract reluctantly and unrolled it, causing it to nearly hit the floor. “Terms: cash on delivery, up to, but not exceeding one-eighth of total profit, if any. Present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof, including, but not limited to - lacerations? Evisceration? Incineration?”

“Och, he'll melt th' flesh aff yer bones in th' blink o' an yak.” Bofur said cheefully.

Bilbo dropped the contract to his side in shock, holding a hand to his chest.

“Ye a’richt, laddie?” Balin asked.

Bilbo just nodded at whatever the dwarf had said as Bofur continued, “Think furnace wi' wings. Flash o' light, searing pain, then - bufty! ye'r hee haw mair than a pile o' ash!”

Bilbo could only make out few words but gathered the overall meaning and started panting, trying to compose himself. Finally, he rose, and turned to Balin, “Nope.”

The hobbit fainted and hit the floor with a thud.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet. i am hungry


	3. Parasites n such

Early in the morning of the next day, the dwarves stood up and made their way to a caravan of ponies, leaving behind a neat hobbit hole.

The dwarves started their journey to reclaim their home while making bets on whether or not the Hobbit would still arrive. 

They stopped their ponies as they heard someone call out for them, “Wait!”

Bilbo was running to them with the contract. "I signed it." He panted and then gave the piece of paper to Balin.

"Everything appears tae be in order," the dwarf said after checking over the contract. "Welcome, master Baggins to tae th' company o' Thorin Oakenshield."

The dwarves chuckled and Thorin had a smile on his face, "Give him a pony," he said as they started their little caravan again.

Bilbo's head snapped around, "No, no, that won't be necesarry. Thank You. I'm sure I can keep up on foot." he kept on talking about rather walking as Kili and Fili lifted him up by his backpack and sat him on the pony next to Bofur.

Gandalf then brought his horse up next to Bilbo as the dwarves started throwing around pouches of coins to pay what they had lost in their bet against the hobbit.

"Wait! Wait! Stop!" Bilbo then suddenly called out, "We have to turn around." 

Gandalf sighed and asked, "My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?"

"I forgot my handkerchief."

From the front of the line, Bofur tore a strip of cloth from his dirty shirt and hauled it at the hobbit, “‘ere, uise this!”

The hobbit caught the cloth and looked at it in disgust.

“Donder on!” Thorin ordered as the dwarves laughed at Bilbo’s face.

Gandalf smiled fondly at the hobbit, “You'll have to manage without pocket-handkerchiefs and a good many other things, Bilbo Baggins, before we reach our journey's end. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you; the world is ahead.”

\---

Rain thundered down on the company as they made their way through a forest. 

“Gandalf, cannae ye dae something aboot his deluge?” Dori asked the wizard.

“It is raining, Master Dwarf, and it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.”

“Are there any?” Bilbo asked.

“What?”

“Other wizards?”

“There are five of us. The greatest of our order is Saruman the Shite. Then there are the two flu wizards...You know, I've quite forgotten their names.”

“And who is the fifth?”

“Well, that would be Radagast the Faun.”

“Is he a great wizard or is he more like you?”

Gandalf looked slightly offended at Bilbo’s words, “I think he is a very great wizard in his own way. He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others.”

\---

The company had made camp at an old, destroyed house and Thorin had successfully managed to make Gandalf lose his shit and leave to calm his mind.

Bilbo was asked to bring food to Kili and Fili and found them staring into the darkness of the forest, looking almost petrified.

“What’s the matter?” Bilbo asked, holding two bowls of stew.

“We're suppose tae be keekin after the ponies,” Kili informed him.

Fili added, “Only, we've encountered a slight problem.”

“We hud sixteen. Noo thir's fourteen.”

The three of them went to inspect the ponies they still had left.

“Daisy and Bungo ur missing,” Kili concluded.

“Well, that's not good. That is not good at all. Shouldn't we tell Thorin?” Bilbo asked, thinking of the leader of their company.

“Na, let's nae worry him. As oor official burglar, we thought that ye micht lik' tae keek intae it.” Fili suggested.

“Pardon?”

“As oor official burglar, we thought that ye micht lik' tae keek intae it.” Fili repeated.

Bilbo still couldn’t understand what was asked of him.

“Whit dae ye think happened tae oor ponies?”

The hubbit hummed in thought, “Well, uh, something big uprooted these trees.”

“That wis oor thinking.” Fili nodded.

“Something very big and possibly quite dangerous.” Bilbo concluded.

Fili suddenly crouched down and pointed deeper into the woods, ”Awright, thir's a light.” He beckoned the other two to follow him, “Ower 'ere. Bade doon.”

Bilbo just copied what Kili was doing, spying at the flickering light, “What is it?”

“Trolls,” Kili said.

The two dwarves ran closer to the fire, followed by the hobbit who was still carrying their food. They quickly took cover as they heard thundering footsteps and saw a massive troll walk towards the fire, holding two more ponies underneath his arms.

“He's got Myrtle and Minty! I think they're going to eat them, we have to do something,” Bilbo whispered.

“Aye, ye shuid. Ben trolls ur slow 'n' glaikit, 'n' ye'r sae wee.” Fili agreed.

“What?”

“Tis perfectly safe; we'll be richt behind ye.” The blond took the bowls from the hobbit and pushed him forward.

“If ye run intae trauchle, hoot twa times lik' a barn owl, wance lik' a broon owl.” Kili told him.

Bilbo looked towards the trolls and then back again, “What?” but the brothers were already gone.

\---

The three trolls, Bert, William, and Tom, were arguing among each other as Bilbo snuck around their campsite.

Suddenly, one of the trolls, Bert, sneezed into the cauldron, “Oh, that’s lovely, that is: a floater!”

“Might improve the flavour,” the cook, William suggested.

“There’s more where that came from!” Bert began to sneeze again but William quickly stopped him by grabbing his nose and forcing him down, “Sit down!”

Taking advantage of the scuffle, Bilbo dashed towards the pens.

Whimpering, Bert pulled out a handkerchief and blew his nose. This action made Bilbo aware of a long knife the troll had in his belt.

“I’m starving!” Tom complained, “Are w having horse tonight or what?”

“Shut your cakehole! You’ll eat what I give you!” William replied.

“How come he’s the cook?” Tom asked, “Everything tastes the same; everything tastes like chicken.”

“Except the chicken,” Bert said.

“That tastes like fish!”

William turned to his brew, taking a sip, “Oh, that is beautifully balanced, that is!” he passed the ladle to Tom.

Bilbo, meanwhile, was sizing up the knife, carefully reaching out for it.

Tom was complaining again, “Me guts are grumbling. I’ve got to snaffle something. Flesh! I need flesh!”

Bilbo’s fingers brushed Bert’s knife when suddenly a large hand shot out and grabbed the hobbit, mistaking him for a handkerchief.

"What are you?" Bert asked the hobbit covered in snot. 

"Bilbo Baggins, a bur- a hobbit.”

The troll dropped the hobbit.

“A burrahobbit?” William asked.

“Can we cook him?” Tom asked.

“We can try!” William went to grab Bilbo but was dodged. He went to flee from the trolls but was stopped by Bert, “He wouldn’t make more than a mouthful, not when he’s skinned and boned!”

“Perhaps there’s more burrahobbits around these parts. Might be enough for a pie!”

Once again, Bilbo was dodging trolls.

“He’s too quick!” Tom exclaimed as Bilbo ran through his legs.

William swung at Bilbo but instead hit Tom’s knee, making him yelp out in pain. Finally, William grabbed a hold of bilbo, dangling him upside down, “Are any more of you little fellows hiding where you shouldn’t?”

"Yes lots" he answered but corrected himself quickly "No none at all, not one"

The trolls starting arguing about how to proceed again. Just in this moment, the dwarves arrived. Kili jumped out of the bushes first, hacking at the leg of one of the trolls, “Drap him!”

“What?”

“Ah said,” Kili smirked while pointing his sword at the trolls, “Drap him!”

Doing as he was tod, William hurled the hobbit through the air, making him land on top of the dwarf who fell to the ground with Bilbo on top of him.

Then, with loud battle cries, the rest of the dwarves stormed out of the bushes, led by Thorin. Well, led might be too strong a word. 

They had absolutely no plan whatsoever. They just ran after their leader and proceeded to stab and slice at the trolls. It was chaotic.

With the trolls distracted and trying to protect their shins, Bilbo snuck towards the pony pen. The found the very knife he had been trying to steal and cut through the ropes circling the ponies.

Hearing the neighing ponies, two of the trolls quickly grabbed Bilbo and held him by his arms and legs. “Lay down your arms or we’ll rip his off!”

\---

William threw several logs onto the fire. Some of the dwarves were tied to a spit, groaning and protesting. The others were tied up in sacks nearby. William was turning the spit as Tom approached him.

“Don’t bother cooking them. Let’s just sit on them and squash them to jelly.”

“They should be sauteed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage,” William countered.

“Well, that does sound quite nice.

“Never mind the seasoning,” Bert stopped their reminiscing, “we ain’t got all night! Dawn ain’t far away and I don’t fancy being turned into stone.”

This gave Bilbo an idea, he wiggled around until he was standing, “Wait! You are making a terrible stake!”

“Ye can’t reason wi' thaim, they're half-wits,” Gloin told the hobbit.

Fili turned to the redhead, “Half-wits? Whit does that mak' us?”

Bilbo ignored the two and continued to address the trolls, “I meant about the seasoning.”

“What about the seasoning?” William asked.

“Well, have you smelt them? You’re going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up.”

The dwarves erupted in protest, not that Bilbo could understand anything of what they were saying.

Bert looked at the hobbit sceptically, “What do you know about cooking dwarf?”

William silenced him, “Shut up and let the flurgaburburrhobbit talk.”

Bilbo nodded, “Yes, well, the secret to cooking dwarf is-”

“Yes? Come on!”

“It’s-”

“Tell us the secret.”

“Yes, I’m telling you, the secret is to skin them first!”

Once again, the dwarves roared in anger and Bilbo was sure he heard one of them call him a “mangled fud”.

“Tom, get me filleting knife!” William ordered.

“What a load of rubbish! I've eaten plenty with their skins on. Scruff them, I say, boots and all,” Bert protested. He went to grab Bombur and devour hm hole.

“Wait not that one!” Bilbo yelled, “He- He has parasites! In-In his tubes! In fact, they all have.”

Bert dropped Bombur in shock and the dwarf rolled onto the floor while his kin started yelling again, protesting about how they didn’t have parasites.

“We don’t hae parasites! Ye hae parasites!” Kili yelled.

They were interrupted as Thorin finally realized Bilbo’s plan and kicked his nephew.

“Ah git parasites as muckle as mah arms!” Oin yelled.

“Mine ur th' biggest parasites, I’ve git huge parasites!” Kili announced.

Bilbo nodded in satisfaction as other dwarves chimed in.

“We’re riddled!”

“Aye we ur, badly!”

“What would you have us do then?” William asked, “Let ‘em all go?”

“Well,” Bilbo shrugged.

“You think I don’t know what you’re up to?! This little ferret is taking ur for fools!”

“Ferret?” Bilbo asked, offended.

“Fool?” Bert asked, just as offended.

Suddenly, Gandalf slipped behind some trees and appeared on a large rock above them, “The dawn will take you all!”

Confused, the trolls turned towards the newcomer.

“Who’s that?” Bert asked.

“No idea,” William told him.

Tom mustered the wizard, “Can we eat him too?”

Gandalf struck the rock beneath him with his staff. It broke in half with a loud crack. Sunlight poured into the clearing and as it hit the trolls, it turned their grotesque forms into stone statues.

\---

Bonus scene: 

_ *translates for convenience* _

“Uncle!” Fili yelled, running towards Thorin. “we have encountered a problem! With the ponies!”

“Two of them are gone,” Kili told him.

“We took a few spare ones with us, yes?” he looked at Balin, who nodded, “Well then, we won’t need them. Take more care next time.”

“We didn’t think of that,” Fili realised, “We found out they were taking by trolls so we sent Bilbo-”

“The Hobbit?” Thorin asked, “You sent him after trolls?”

“Well, he’s very small,” Kili defended their actions, “They probably won’t even notice-”

Thorin, who had already grabbed his sword, interrupted his nephew, “Arm yourself! We are getting our burglar back!”

**Author's Note:**

> i am now tired and my palms hurt


End file.
